Silver Linings are There, but you Gotta Search for 'Em.

Pushing through an 11 and a half hour day, I'm sitting in my office for the first time since 8:30am. Between meetings, CPR trainings, and more meetings, I'm exhausted from so much sitting and listening.

Recently, my sister told me she and her husband are moving to a town called Lumberton, about 2 hours south of Chapel Hill. She sent me and my other two sisters a picture of the house they just purchased and its gorgeous. Huge yard, nice porch, plenty of rooms, and an in ground pool. Close to her husband's job so that he no longer has to have an extravagant commute 4 days a week and it's an hour from the beach. Perfect for them as a family with a one month old baby and plans to have another in a couple of years. While my other sisters are gushing over the news and sending their congrats, I couldn't help but get upset. I'll start with my initial reaction and then move on to the deeper reason. As I've stated in previous posts, and the reason for this whole blog, I do not like Chapel Hill. I can expand to say I do not like North Carolina, but I'll focus on Chapel Hill. I do not like this town and I feel I sacrificed a lot to be closer to my sisters. Here I am, with my boyfriend and our dog, making it work in a place we're not happy in so that I can be closer to my sisters. The silver lining. Now, after a year of living in the same town (finally, after being apart for so long) my sister up and moves further south. What the fuck is that all about?! Why is it that as soon as I move closer to my sisters, one of them up and leaves 2 hours away. Why did I make sacrifices so that I can be closer to my family, but I'm not a big enough part in her life that she can't make sacrifices too?! I was so upset that I was honest and told her I wasn't happy about this decision and that it sucked that after living in Chapel Hill for a year, she leaves. I was glad they found something so perfect for them, but mad that one of the reasons I moved to this awful town was so that I could be close to them and now that's out the window. My sister said that we'll still see each other and 2 hours away is better than being 8 states away. Fair enough, but still, I stewed. I was able to suck it up and congratulate her while still boiling over the fact that she was moving.

My next thought was purely jealously. I hate this town and she gets to leave. I want to buy a house with my boyfriend but we can't afford it and are stuck being apartment dwellers for a few more years. Meanwhile, my sister gets this huge house with a perfect porch and a perfect yard and  perfect fire place with plenty of space. Sure, she's the one with the family, and shes the one that wants to settle down here. It's just another reminder that I'm stuck in this transition period and I have to deal with where my life is right now. So I ask, where is the silver lining now? Why am I still sticking it out in a place I don't like when part of the reason I moved here is disappearing? Okay, maybe I'm being dramatic but still, where the fuck is my silver lining?

Call me selfish. Call me jealous. Call me ridiculous.  I guess I'm too much of those to look past it all to see my silver lining. To see the job that I should be lucky to have. To see the apartment that keeps me safe and comfortable. To see the relationships I've established with some wonderful people already. The silver lining isn't obvious to me this time. I'm still looking.