The Only Way Out is Thru

Pushing through an 11 and a half hour day, I'm sitting in my office for the first time since 8:30am. Between meetings, CPR trainings, and more meetings, I'm exhausted from so much sitting and listening. Recently, my sister told me she and her husband are moving to a town called Lumberton, about 2 hours south of Chapel Hill. She sent me and my other two sisters a picture of the house they just purchased and its gorgeous. Huge yard, nice porch, plenty of rooms, and an in ground pool. Close to her husband's job so that he no longer has to have an extravagant commute 4 days a week and it's an hour from the beach. Perfect for them as a family with a one month old baby and plans to have another in a couple of years. While my other sisters are gushing over the news and sending their congrats, I couldn't help but get upset. I'll start with my initial reaction and then move on to the deeper reason. As I've stated in previous posts, and the reason for this whole bl...

I have not been doing a very good job of keeping up with my blog, which I suppose is a good thing because life has been busy! Scratch that, WORK has been busy. I knew this would happen when I went back to working for the Y as a full time director, and I have to constantly remind myself to not let my life get swallowed up by work again.  I am feeling inspired today; I don't know if its November or just the fact that it's the start of a new month, but I have 30 days before me and I want to make the most of them. As I approach 30 (okay, I still have 2 years to go but bear with me) I have a plan for myself. I want to really work on my mind, body, and spirit. I am making a solid effort to go back to school so that I can apply to physical therapy school. I have some work ahead of me but I want this bad enough that I am going to make it happen. Also, I am going to lose this stupid weight and work on feeling good in my own skin. I have a new workout plan laid out, my diet on track, ...

Views of the great smokies; pictures from an iPhone never do a good view justice.   It has been a few weeks since my last post, and rather than dive into talking about my new job I want to write about the mountains. I had this idea in my head that this would be an epic post with lots of metaphors and connection of mountain life to reality, but I think I will keep it simple and just write about my feelings. I was inspired to blog this morning after a quick morning yoga practice on my balcony. The weather was cool, and the wind blew causing a calming sound of trees rustling and leaves falling. The sound reminded me of the quick backpacking trip Stephen and I took in the smokies last weekend. Nothing compares to the sound of mountain air. You haven't experienced true peace, until you wake up to a sunrise in the mountains. The air is crisp, the sky is a constant display of changing colors, and you can hear the wind so clearly. It's not loud, it's a different level of silenc...

"It just takes some time, little girl you're in the middle of a ride, everything everything will be just fine. Everything, everything will be alright."-Jimmy Eat World As I anxiously await the start of my new role at the Chapel Hill Y next week, I keep replaying a line from the movie Hope Floats over and over again in my mind. I’ve honestly never seen the whole movie, but the last scene is the most important part anyway. The line goes, “Beginnings are scary. Endings are usually sad, but its what’s in the middle that counts. So, when you find yourself at the beginning, just give hope a chance to float up. And it will.” I feel like I don’t need to say any more about it because it describes where I am in my life so perfectly that it needs no further explaining! Talk about hitting the nail on the head. It makes me wonder about the people who appear to be truly happy and how they got there. Are they stuck in the middle? How long does the middle last? Do people ever ...

With having Monday off for Labor Day, today kicks off my work week and I’m trying to go into it with a fresh start.  With a half marathon under my belt from the weekend, I’m feeling super puffy with water weight and I’m trying to not freak out over it . It’s been reassuring to read some forums that other runners have contributed to all feeling the same way as me right now. After reading some posts all saying the same thing that “this” will go away after a couple days, I’ve internally calmed myself down from having a self-loathing/stupid diet inducing/new fitness trend starting crisis. I run every day on top of the classes I teach, and my diet is pretty clean. I know I need to dial down my weekly cheat meal, and I can afford to cut out the homemade Frappuccino’s I have on an almost daily basis. I’m proud of myself for not freaking out and heading for comforts of baggy clothes, instead I’m accepting what it is and not letting it beat me up. It helps to keep reminding myself of the g...

My previous post truly reflected how I was feeling so I won't take back what I said. However, the moment has passed and I'm not as angry anymore. I think it was good for me to write it so I could get it out of my system and cool off. This post, on the other hand, I don't think will fix the way I'm feeling. I've lived in North Carolina for 8 months and I still miss Maine everyday. With the seasons changing (well, sort of, it's still fucking hot down here) I've been thinking of Maine more and more. There is something about fall in New England that always brought peace into my life. Maybe it was the colder weather, or the changing leaves, or the start of the holidays, but I've always felt a change of my mood for the better when autumn rolled around. I remember writing a very similar sentence 5 years ago in a little notepad I used to journal my thoughts. At that time, I was going through a rough patch because I fell pretty hard for a guy and was turned down ...

There's the expression "dance like no one is watching" which translates to do what you want, be yourself, do your thing, live your life...blah blah blah. For the sake of this post, I'm going to put my own spin on it and write like no one is reading. Which is true, no one is following this blog and I'm using it as an expressway for my feelings so I'm going to be as angry and explicit as I want to right now. I'm so fucking sick and tired of seeing people's pictures, or reading their updates about how their lives are so fucking great. Like they've found some big turn around and now they're on this perfect road and life is "falling into place".  They've found themselves or they're on the journey to finding themselves. They brag about it and play it off like they're just happy and want to share, but for people like me who feel like their life isn't anything to celebrate, it's fucking annoying. I don't give a shit ab...

A zero day on the trail means no forward progress, no hiking at all. Either the weather is bad or you've exhausted your energy and need a day to recover, zero days happen. I will consider today a zero day.  With the exception of teaching my 2 classes and taking Baxter for a walk, I made no forward progress. I was either out on the balcony watching reality tv on my netbook, or laying in bed feeling like a sloth drifting in and out of sleep. I don't know how I feel about my behavior today. I wouldn't consider it a mental vacation or a relaxing day to recover, but I definitely felt like I turned my brain off and let myself be lifeless for awhile. Was it necessary? I don't know. I wanted the time off from work, but I realized my mood was better after I taught class at the Y and had some social interaction. I also had a nice conversation with an old friend from Maine on the phone. Something about talking on the phone means more than just exchanging a text or reading an em...

I dont know what is going on with me today. I woke up on time, taught my 6am Group Power class, left the gym feeling tired but glad to have a workout under my belt, and felt ready to take on the day. Then, somehow things went haywire. Traffic driving home was awful (as it usually is) but it made me late getting back to Carrboro from Raleigh. I can normally catch the 7:45 bus to UNC but today I was barely out of Raleigh by then. In my head, i kept saying "ill catch the 8" but sure enough 8am came and went and i was still miles out from the apartment. I changed my tune to "ill catch the 8:15" knowing that the 8:15 bus was my only option to get to work by 8:30, even though i still needed to change out of my gym clothes and freshen up. I made it back to rock creek at 8:13 and if i had sprinted to the bus i probably would have made it. However, thanks to my 15 mile run yesterday, my left foot is throbbing and my knee is stiff and i am hobbling along like a child taking i...

Its starts within my chest. It feels like someone is squeezing my lungs with a very tight grip.  Lately it’s been an everyday occurrence and always unpredictable. It doesn’t last long, and after a few deep breaths I can make it go away. It’s very overwhelming, an overpowering feeling like something bad is going to happen to me. The hairs on my skin stand up and my back tenses.  In moments like this all I want is to be held tightly until the anxiety passes. I can remember the very first time I felt this way, it happened back in college during my second semester of my first year. It was the end of March. For a whole week I had this awful feeling that something bad was going to happen to me. It followed me around to my classes, to my dorm, even when trying to have fun with my friends. I remember feeling a layer of anxiety on me and I kept wanting to brush it off my skin, the way you would brush a light snow off your coat after stepping in the house. That feeling finally we...

7 months of living below the Mason Dixie line has created a slow but very noticeable metamorphosis of my life. My move from Maine to North Carolina has not only opened my eyes to some issues that I used to sweep under the rug, but forced me to address them and work on being a stronger person because of them.  Welcome to my new blog, appropriately titled- The Only Way Out is Thru. It's a slight reference to the Appalachian trail for a couple of reasons. 1) I feel that my sole purpose in this life is make the hike from GA-ME in one swift trek (thru hiking). 2) Hiking the AT is symbolic of living. Life is hard, with lots of ups, downs, unexpected turn arounds, and also moments when you feel like giving up and getting off the trail. With that said, there are also points along the trail that are breath taking and remind you of why you're doing it in the first place. It has views so stunning and noteworthy, you can't help but feel so alive and at peace when looking. There are m...