Everybody Says, Time Heals Everything.

My previous post truly reflected how I was feeling so I won't take back what I said. However, the moment has passed and I'm not as angry anymore. I think it was good for me to write it so I could get it out of my system and cool off. This post, on the other hand, I don't think will fix the way I'm feeling. I've lived in North Carolina for 8 months and I still miss Maine everyday. With the seasons changing (well, sort of, it's still fucking hot down here) I've been thinking of Maine more and more. There is something about fall in New England that always brought peace into my life. Maybe it was the colder weather, or the changing leaves, or the start of the holidays, but I've always felt a change of my mood for the better when autumn rolled around. I remember writing a very similar sentence 5 years ago in a little notepad I used to journal my thoughts. At that time, I was going through a rough patch because I fell pretty hard for a guy and was turned down when I told him I wanted to be with him. There's quite a bit of a back story to it but that's for another day. Anyway, summer of 2010 was all about me trying to get over him and be happy. Sure enough, my efforts worked. I wrote a lot and recently I reflected on an entry I made September 10th, 2010...

"Something about the fall that brings a sense of optimism, a sense of hope. Maybe it's the cold weather, maybe it's the vibrant colors. There's a feeling that exists that tends to ignite something inside. I feel a connection to every piece of creation. It's magnanimous. I find comfort when I think of fall. Smells of fall awaken childhood memories which bring that much closer to home. Fall brings magic. In the past, I've found love during the crisp months. I can't help but wonder if history will repeat itself. Will I find love? Will the season bring me love? Last night I meditated and surrounded myself with love. I thought of those who love me, I thought of those who bring me happiness. It was a vivid meditation, I saw the faces of those who loved me. I felt their warmth and could feel their presence. It was strengthening and affirming. There are two people in-particular who inspire me the most. Although they are younger, their enthusiasm and brightness is uplifting and refreshing. It feels good to witness their happiness. To be young and in love is something to be valued. " 

Later that month, I met someone who turned my life upside down, for better AND for worse.  I had a very big love which snapped me out of my struggle. It came right at the time when I achieved true happiness with myself. Also a story for another day, but the point is that I believed in magic, and love, and happiness, and it came to me in the fall. It was like a harvest. All summer long I planted and tended to my crop only to have it grow and flourish in autumn. Maybe that was a cheesy metaphor, but it could not be any truer. To rewind back to the purpose of this post, it's that I miss Maine. Every time that sentence leaves my mouth, it's followed by "Give it time", or "Time will heal", or "It will get better with time" from someone else. I'm beginning to question that statement. Will time make it better? Is this more than being homesick? What if I don't want to stop missing Maine? 

I do believe that life is a thru hike, and everyone has to go through different states along the way. The literal translation for this, is that I'm in a different place in my life and I have to go through it. Whether time will get me to stop missing Maine or not, this is a transition. I need to go with it in order to grow and become a better person. Will things start to change for me in the fall?Who knows! I'm not searching for another big love, lucky for me I've already got him, but I'm hopeful I'll start to find happiness. Maybe the earth will shift in such a way that things fall into place. I don't know if I worked hard enough on my crop this summer, but I'm definitely working on it now. One thing is for sure, I can't stop thinking about Maine. When I need to go on a quick escape from time to time, I close my eyes and put myself in a different favorite spot. Sunkhaze wildlife refuge in Greenbush, Baxter peak on Mt. Katahdin, Webster Park in Orono, Folgler Library on UMaine's campus...each time it feels so real. I can see the colors, I can feel the air, I can hear the sounds. It almost takes me so far away I have to force myself to snap out of my trance. I'm surpised how much I miss living there. I was so sure that I wanted to move and live somewhere else. It's amazing what you learn. Now I feel like I'm wondering all over the place in this post. To bring it back and in closing, my heart aches for change to come to me in the fall. I pray for happiness, and magic, and peace, and joy, and all good things. I don't think time will change the fact that I miss Maine, but I hope time will change me for the better as it has in the past.