Anxiety.

Its starts within my chest. It feels like someone is squeezing my lungs with a very tight grip.  Lately it’s been an everyday occurrence and always unpredictable. It doesn’t last long, and after a few deep breaths I can make it go away. It’s very overwhelming, an overpowering feeling like something bad is going to happen to me. The hairs on my skin stand up and my back tenses.

 In moments like this all I want is to be held tightly until the anxiety passes. I can remember the very first time I felt this way, it happened back in college during my second semester of my first year. It was the end of March. For a whole week I had this awful feeling that something bad was going to happen to me. It followed me around to my classes, to my dorm, even when trying to have fun with my friends. I remember feeling a layer of anxiety on me and I kept wanting to brush it off my skin, the way you would brush a light snow off your coat after stepping in the house. That feeling finally went away when my boyfriend at the time broke up with me over an email. Fast forward to present day and anxiety still follows me around. Lingering on me, taking my breath away, robbing me from periods of joy and peace. I don’t fear that my boyfriend is going to break up with me, but I fear that something catastrophic will happen to me. Something that will pull the rug right out from under me and leave me laying face up at the ceiling. I wonder how this goes away for good. I know some people use medication, others use yoga or meditation. I like the idea of both but I’ll pick the ladder. I used to practice meditation on a regular basis and I believed in its strength and power. I’ve stopped practicing for a few years and have lost my faith in it. However, I want to make an effort to restore that faith because I do believe that it can help me. I made an attempt the other day to sit quietly for 11 minutes on my balcony, but between my dog sniffing around and the sound of people passing by, it didn’t relax me at all. I’ll give it another try tonight, once Baxter falls asleep.  It’s another step in the right direction.