Yoga, Mint Tea, and Rainy Mornings.
I realized with my last post that I was in a weird head space. I must re-tract a statement and say: I don't want to smoke weed. I was going through a "I don't give a fuck" phase. I'm in a better place now; amazing what a stomach virus can do. I've been out of work for a week and besides sleeping and nibbling on toast, I've spent a lot of time soul searching and giving myself permission to explore some thoughts and feelings. I finally have time to do yoga and enjoy the practice; not just hop on the mat, stretch for 15 minutes, and hop off because I'm late for work. Baxter and I found some nice trails in the woods by the high school up the street from me and though they're not much, they're enough to take a good two mile walk away from the neighborhoods. They're actually quite pretty right now with the lilac trees blooming. Anyway, moral of the story, while I sit here sipping my mint tea I was inspired to write after almost two months. I've done a lot of reflecting and have taken the first steps to dealing with my depression and anxiety. I've seen two therapists over the past week and I feel very optimistic about getting this help. I am so tired of feeling pained every day, feeling sad for no reason, or obsessing over reasons to feel sad when I'm not. I'm tired of struggling to get out of bed every morning, or having so much rage and anger built up that I take it to work with me and don't want to look at anyone. Things have to change for many reasons but for one most importantly, I want to be happy. Not necessarily all day happy, but at least on some level experience happiness everyday rather than feeling sad and angry everyday.
During my two sessions, I was asked to try and find where I think the anxiety and sadness stems from, to try and recount the moments when I first experience these emotions and what brings them on. Without hesitation, two words left my mouth at both sessions: my job. Now, I know that is not the ONLY reason I am in therapy, but I will be honest, it affects my mood and brings me down on a regular basis. Pause to vent....
I have another therapy appointment on Monday and out of no where yesterday I get an email being told to reserve the 2pm slot for a meeting. When I declined the meeting, I can feel the wrath of both my supervisors. Well, too bad. I'm putting my health first. I get shit on by a few other employees for the fact that I'm in school and I refuse to get shit on for taking care of myself. Meetings happen everyday, there is always something urgent to deal with when you work for a Y, so to me, the roof won't collapse if I don't go, but I am finally standing up for myself and putting my needs first. The rest can wait. End vent.
As I was saying, the environment I work in is unhealthy. The work life balance is so out of whack that it is considered normal to work 70 hour weeks and that is not okay with me. It's not just Chapel Hill, this has been my experience for working for Y since 2008. People get shit on more than they get praised, people are over worked, and you're considered a bad employee if you tend to your personal needs from time to time. I want out. I knew when I first accepted the job that it was going to be hard because I would be repeating the same life I tried to get away from, but I needed the salary and the benefits. My mentality has changed. I am going to make a solid effort to explore other options that will allow me the flexibility to go to school as well as treat me like a human being and not a robot. I am not cut out for management, I am so far beyond over being a director. I told both my therapists that I have no passion for my job anymore, I simply do not care about. I do it because I have to, not because I want to. When I talk to other employees about their 5 year goals all of them still involve working for the Y. Hang on, I just threw up in my mouth a little bit. Okay, better. Sorry, but seriously?! My 2 year goals don't even involve the fucking Y! I am going to devote as much time as I can to finding something better for myself until I can get to physical therapy school.
Alright. I'm done talking about the Y. That wasn't the intention of this entry but it somehow became the beef for this post. I am actually in a good mood, thanks to yoga, mint tea, and a rainy morning (hence, the title), so I'd like to keep it that way. When it comes to feeling better, my therapist said that with her patients, she always tries to encourage them to do more of the things they enjoy doing. I like that recommendation so I'm going to try. Do more yoga, take more walks, be outside more, train for my triathlons, hike, camp, paint, meditate, cook, laugh, dance, love, sing, whatever! Just do. I got nostalgic earlier this week thinking back to the times that I felt really happy and what was I doing in those memories? Now, the mind is pretty crazy, and I know it can sometimes create things that really didn't happen, but I will say that I can remember all the times I was purely and blissfully happy. I was rock climbing a lot more, I was very serious about my triathlons, I was surrounded by good friends and co-workers, and I was NOT full time at the YMCA.
I think from here on out I just need to dig a little deeper, take more time for myself. Instead of stressing about work so much, do more that makes me happy and makes me feel good. Spring is so symbolic of life-we live, we grow, we bloom, we change. I am still doing just that. Slowly turning over a new leaf, and opening to the light :)
During my two sessions, I was asked to try and find where I think the anxiety and sadness stems from, to try and recount the moments when I first experience these emotions and what brings them on. Without hesitation, two words left my mouth at both sessions: my job. Now, I know that is not the ONLY reason I am in therapy, but I will be honest, it affects my mood and brings me down on a regular basis. Pause to vent....
I have another therapy appointment on Monday and out of no where yesterday I get an email being told to reserve the 2pm slot for a meeting. When I declined the meeting, I can feel the wrath of both my supervisors. Well, too bad. I'm putting my health first. I get shit on by a few other employees for the fact that I'm in school and I refuse to get shit on for taking care of myself. Meetings happen everyday, there is always something urgent to deal with when you work for a Y, so to me, the roof won't collapse if I don't go, but I am finally standing up for myself and putting my needs first. The rest can wait. End vent.
As I was saying, the environment I work in is unhealthy. The work life balance is so out of whack that it is considered normal to work 70 hour weeks and that is not okay with me. It's not just Chapel Hill, this has been my experience for working for Y since 2008. People get shit on more than they get praised, people are over worked, and you're considered a bad employee if you tend to your personal needs from time to time. I want out. I knew when I first accepted the job that it was going to be hard because I would be repeating the same life I tried to get away from, but I needed the salary and the benefits. My mentality has changed. I am going to make a solid effort to explore other options that will allow me the flexibility to go to school as well as treat me like a human being and not a robot. I am not cut out for management, I am so far beyond over being a director. I told both my therapists that I have no passion for my job anymore, I simply do not care about. I do it because I have to, not because I want to. When I talk to other employees about their 5 year goals all of them still involve working for the Y. Hang on, I just threw up in my mouth a little bit. Okay, better. Sorry, but seriously?! My 2 year goals don't even involve the fucking Y! I am going to devote as much time as I can to finding something better for myself until I can get to physical therapy school.
Alright. I'm done talking about the Y. That wasn't the intention of this entry but it somehow became the beef for this post. I am actually in a good mood, thanks to yoga, mint tea, and a rainy morning (hence, the title), so I'd like to keep it that way. When it comes to feeling better, my therapist said that with her patients, she always tries to encourage them to do more of the things they enjoy doing. I like that recommendation so I'm going to try. Do more yoga, take more walks, be outside more, train for my triathlons, hike, camp, paint, meditate, cook, laugh, dance, love, sing, whatever! Just do. I got nostalgic earlier this week thinking back to the times that I felt really happy and what was I doing in those memories? Now, the mind is pretty crazy, and I know it can sometimes create things that really didn't happen, but I will say that I can remember all the times I was purely and blissfully happy. I was rock climbing a lot more, I was very serious about my triathlons, I was surrounded by good friends and co-workers, and I was NOT full time at the YMCA.
I think from here on out I just need to dig a little deeper, take more time for myself. Instead of stressing about work so much, do more that makes me happy and makes me feel good. Spring is so symbolic of life-we live, we grow, we bloom, we change. I am still doing just that. Slowly turning over a new leaf, and opening to the light :)
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